Why we sometimes have sex even if we don’t feel like it (and why stop!)

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Why we sometimes have sex even if we don’t feel like it (and why stop!):

  • Obligation/Pressure: Feeling pressured by a partner or societal expectations can lead to unwanted sex.
  • Maintaining Relationship: Some believe sex strengthens bonds, even if not desired.
  • Avoidance/Conflict: Sex can be used to avoid difficult conversations or emotions.
  • Low Self-Esteem: Individuals may feel obligated to please their partner, disregarding own needs.
  • Fear of Rejection/Abandonment: Fear can override desire, leading to compliance.

Stopping unwanted sex is crucial for well-being.

  • Informed Consent: It’s essential to prioritize your needs and communicate them clearly.

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual_health/what_is_consent

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/healthy-relationships/consent

Source: iStock

Why do we have sex when we don’t feel like it?

Sometimes it is not easy to say no. Admitting that you are not ready, that you do not feel in the mood, or that you want to stop because you no longer want a relationship under those circumstances or at that time can make one feel uncomfortable, especially if one fears a negative reaction. There are even occasions when you realize that you have had sex unwillingly even after a long time, because you were not fully present or because you felt forced but were unable to admit it even to yourself. This is why it would be necessary to talk about it more often.

Why it is a gray area

It is true that one does not always have sex because one is dying of desire: one can have intercourse to feel closer to the other, because one is seeking a pregnancy, to postpone an uncomfortable conversation, for a myriad of reasons that do not have to do with craving but neither do they fall under coercion.

But then there are those cases where the line between yes and no becomes more ambiguous, those where you have sex because you are put in a condition where you cannot escape, because one is afraid of the consequences of rejection o Sacrificing themselves to protect each other’s feelings.

Researcher Sarah J. Walker called it a “gray area” in 1997: since then there has been greater awareness, but the weight of expectations continues to affect the sexual lives of many people, not only women and girls and not only within heterosexual relationships.

Feeling pressured

In research published in the 2020 Journal of Sex Research, researchers Sara G. Kern and Zoe D. Peterson of the Kinsey Institute explored the issue through questionnaires and interviews. Out of a sample of 276 people between the ages of 18 and 66 who had had sex under duress or unwillingly one or more times in their lives, 55 percent identified themselves as women, 4 percent as non-binary, and 41 percent as men.

Sexual violence as we are used to imagining it, that is, under physical coercion or after being threatened, is only one of the possible case histories. One can also be forced to have sex unwillingly behind psychological manipulation or exhausted by demands and pressure, or even because it is made impossible to walk away until one gives in to the other’s insistence. It can happen at the end of a first date, when one would like to go home after a dinner and the other person shows irritation or annoyance, just as it can happen in a stable relationship when one of the partners uses anger and guilt to overcome the other’s resistance, resorting to emotional blackmail.

When you are not clear-headed (or in control)

If a person Is unable to make informed decisions, because he has drunk too much or taken substances that alter his perception of events, can we still talk about consent? What if one agreed to have a certain type of relationship and not another, but the partner takes initiatives without warning?

Falling into this category is the phenomenon of “stealthing,” i.e., of Those who surreptitiously remove condoms during intercourse, or the equally questionable habit of switching from vaginal to anal penetration without asking permission, or even passing it off by mistake. Forms of violence that are not always perceived as such, either by those who suffer them or by those who enact them.

The fear of disappointment

This is not always direct or indirect coercion; sometimes the pressures can come from within. We can end up having sex unwillingly out of fear of what might happen if we say no, out of insecurity or fear of showing ourselves too rigid or uninteresting. It can happen to those who have been raised with the idea that they have to be kind and never disappoint, those who fear being left if they do not always show themselves to be solicitous and available, or when they fear that a rejection would power to unpleasant or embarrassing situations.

One can have sex unwillingly driven by the need to protect the feelings or self-esteem of those around us, to avoid arguments, or hoping that sex will make things better. For example, in an attempt to make up after an argument, or because you haven’t been intimate for so long and are afraid that saying no at that time would make the opportunity go away.

It also happens to men

The counterpart of meek and submissive femininity is aggressive masculinity that is never fragile. Gender expectations also shape men, explains sociologist Jessie Ford of New York University in a study published in Social Forces.

Beyond situations of emotional or physical coercion, men end up in unwilling relationships because they believe they cannot say no, to lose face or be ridiculed if they do not jump at every opportunity to have sex, regardless of the circumstances or their feelings about it. Or they fear offending their partner, making her feel rejected, or simply making themselves look bad, as if admitting that they don’t feel like it is a factory defect.

Sex is not a duty

What we should perhaps hear more about is that sex is not a duty. It is not something we owe someone, or something we should do to prove to ourselves or others our worth or our feelings. It should be pleasure first and foremost, or at least be chosen with full awareness in the right ways and at the right times for those who experience it. Keeping an honest conversation open about our limitations and desires can help clear up any misunderstandings and fears without anyone having to feel obligated to do something they do not want to do.

Lee Huxley
WRITTEN BY

Lee Huxley

Lee Huxley is an internationally known confidence and dating coach with nearly a decade of experience. He is the successful author of several dating and confidence books that have helped thousands of men find incredible results that they didn’t even think was possible. While traveling the world Joe consistently finds new and valuable ways to meet and attract women that men everywhere can use immediately.

Joe has a Bachelor’s Degree in Multimedia Journalism from Bournemouth University and has been featured in many large publications including AskMen, TSB Magazine and Dumb Little Man.