Coverture. It’s a word many are not familiar with. It comes from English Common Law and states that a married woman is an “extension” of her husband and does not have a separate identity. All property, assets, and money belonged to the husband. And some coverture laws in the US actually lasted well into the 70s. In fact, a woman could not get a credit card in her own name or serve on the front lines in the military. They could be fired when they became pregnant and had no rights to take action against sexual harassment at work. And they could not accuse their husbands of rape via legal action. What’s more, they paid more for health insurance than men.
Fortunately, coverture laws are a thing of the past, and a woman is free to pursue her own life, whatever she chooses that to be. And she has the open right to choose a sexual identity separate from traditional societal norms of heterosexuality and a nuclear family. She has the right to be queer, and she has the right to develop friendships with other women that involve intimacy but may not be romantic or sexual in nature.
All of which brings us to the top of queerplatonic relationships. And now a bit of interesting history.
The Boston Marriage
Author Henry James wrote a novel, The Bostonians in the late 1800s. The two major characters were Verena and Olive, two women who ultimately decided against marriage and moved in together, forming a non-romantic partnership. This type of partnership ultimately came to be known as the Boston Marriage and came to refer to any two adult females who did not want a romantic relationship with a man and who created a household together, forming non-romantic partnerships that did include emotional closeness. Often, this occurred to avoid those coverture laws tied to marriage, and it was kind of a “thing” for wealthy women who could afford to live independently of men.
Some of these Boston Marriages were certainly intimate relationships involving romantic love and sex, but kept as secret as possible due to family, societal, and even legal issues. Others were not romantic or sexual – just two women who shared a platonic love for each other and provided strong mutual emotional support while co-habitating.
And today, the Boston marriage has served as an inspiration and model for those who want different relationships that are not bound by the traditional societal models.
Which brings us to the point of this article – queerplatonic partnerships.
Defining Queer Platonic Relationships
First, let’s define the two terms we’re dealing with.
Queer
This term has had a host of meanings over the centuries. Originally, the term meant “strange” or “odd.” It is possible that the first use of the term “queer” was to refer to homosexuality – in the 19th century trial of writer Oscar Wilde (homosexuality was fully against British laws).
While “queer” came to be a derogatory term for gay men, members of the LGBTQ+ community decided to reclaim it in the latter half of the 20th century, and it became an all-encompassing term for anyone who identified as non-heteronormative.
“While not everyone feels as though they can reclaim the word “Queer,” given the years with which it held such negative connotations, it has fast become an umbrella term for the LGBT community, encompassing within it a variety of non-heteronormative identities and sexualities. Subsequently, ‘Queer’ is also commonly used today as an identifier itself for individuals…who did not identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans. The Q in LGBTQIA+ is often regarded as ‘Queer’ or ‘Questioning’ and is a familiar addition to the acronym.
As an all-encompassing term, queer refers to lesbian, gay, bisexual, non-binary, transgender, asexual, aromantic, questioning and exploring sexuality people.
Platonic
A simple dictionary definition of platonic is a friendship or love that is both affectionate and intimate but not traditionally romantic or having sexual attraction. Thus, boys and girls can be best friends and have close relationships, but these are non-romantic and certainly not sexual between the people involved.
The term was first used in the Renaissance, during a time when the Greek and Latin literary classics were studied. And, of course, the term relates to the Greek philosopher Plato but also to the types of relationships Socrates had with his young male students. And Plato, in his writings, referred to levels of love, the highest being the connection of souls that would lead to wisdom.
So now we have a pretty good understanding of Queer Platonic Relationships, aka QPR. Let’s dig a little deeper into what a queerplatonic relationship looks like in all of its many forms.
What Do Queerplatonic Relationships Look Like?
There is no short answer for this, because these queerplatonic relationships look like whatever two people want them to be. And, while much of the discussion of the history of queerplatonic partners involves females, these relationships are between two or more people of all gender identities. They may share the same bed; they may engage in co-parenting; they may live apart; they may engage in physical contact that is typical of romantic relationships – handholding, hugging, kissing, etc.; and they may never have physical intimacy of any type; partners in a queer platonic relationship may very well be involved in sexual and/or romantic relationships with others. The point is this: two queer people decide what their relationship will be, usually through openness and honesty with one another.
So, let’s now take a look at the benefits and challenges that people queerplatonic relationships enjoy and face.
Benefits and Challenges of a Queerplatonic Relationship
In a recent article in Very Well Mind, LSCW Madison McCullough discussed the concept of a queer platonic relationship and certainly the differences between it and a typical romantic relationship and romantic partners. “This intimacy can play out in a variety of ways, from more communication to more spent together…Queerplatonic relationships might involve more explicit negotiations around how much time will be spent together, how to meet one another’s needs, and overall reliance on one another…people often describe queerplatonic relationships feeling more like family than friendship.”
Benefits
Everyone has a need for emotional intimacy, and they may choose to get that need met in ways other than just as romantic partners in a romantic relationship. And non-romantic intimate partnerships can serve that need quite well.
Having a queer platonic partner does not rule out have a romantic love and romantic feelings for someone else. Each relationship is serving separate needs. The queer platonic partner, for example, may serve a need for more time spent with someone, for more deep conversation, etc.
Non-romantic relationships are more flexible and can change and grow over time. While many significant relationships, like marriage, come with certain “rules,” a queerplatonic partnership really doesn’t. These relationships are really a form of relationship anarchy. For those unfamiliar with the term, relationship anarchy refers to relationships that do not conform to any “normal” label or expectations. Instead, they are based on an individual’s needs and desires. And as those change, so do the parameters of the way the partners form connections. For example, they can be non-monogamous. For a more in-depth discussion of relationship anarchy, check out the book Expansive LoveOffered by Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Challenges
Life is not a bed of roses for friends who move into a friendship that goes beyond what “normal” two friends have. It is a best friend relationship so extremely close that lines can become blurred, especially for young people.
One of the most common issues is that this “friendship relationship” has such a high level of intimacy that romantic and/or sexual feelings can develop. And when romantic and platonic become meshed together on the part of one partner but not the other, the relationship and, indeed, the friendship is in jeopardy.
The other issue in a queer platonic relationship is that partners are, in these deep friendships, also individuals with independent and separate lives. They may be involved in other relationships, even other deep friendships, that can change over time. Another friend becomes an additional queer platonic relationship. Is there room for both of these friends? One partner begins dating someone romantically – how does this impact the relationship in terms of commitment of time, energy, and emotional needs?
As is easily seen, queer platonic relationships come with their own sets of challenges, just like all relationships do.
So, after all of this, how do you nurture this queerplatonic relationship and keep it healthy?
Nurturing the Queer Platonic Relationship
Just like in romantic relationships, any other relationship stays healthy through communication. This means that such a deep friendship requires two things:
Open Communication
Each partner may have their own way to describe their relationship and their expectations. They must be open and honest with each other from the very beginning, so they know they are on the same page going into the “affair.”{.
As the relationship grows and develops, it will be important to check in regularly. Is the same commitment still there? Are there some changes in how each partner may describe the relationship? Is one partner getting a sense that the other is developing a romantic desire or may be interested in adding sex to the relationship? These dynamics will change the partnership and must be addressed.
Establishing Rituals and Habits
Again, when two people make a commitment to one another, they can develop deeper ways to keep it alive and well. Those who have a romantic partner will try to keep that romance strong by developing certain rituals or habit. They may have an established date night or a ritual getaway once a year on their anniversary.
While two partners in a queer platonic partnership may not have date nights as a romance might have, there are still rituals and “traditions” that can be established and adhered to. Maybe they agree to talk by phone and check in at a certain time each day; maybe they have a common hobby or volunteer activity that means time spent together.
If you have stuck with his article so far, it’s time to cover a couple of other things about queer platonic “candidates.”
Who is Most Comfortable in a Queer Platonic Partnership?
Think about it. These relationships are non-romantic and non-sexual. And so the following will be comfortable in them.
The Aromantic and Asexual Communities
There are those who are on the spectrum of asexual communities. Because they have little-to-no desire for sex, an asexual can fold into platonic relationships easily, because they meet their needs for an intimate emotional partnership.
Aromantic people will also find comfort in a partnership that has no romance. But they not be comfortable in a non-sexual one. This does not mean that queer platonic partnerships are out of the picture. They can satisfy their desires for sex elsewhere through casual dating. And aromantics still have needs for emotional intimacy of unromantic types.
The Trans Community
How about trans people? There is an incorrect idea that those who identify as trans complete that identity. In truth, people in the trans community can have other identities at the same time – they can be aromantic, asexual, or both and place high value on a conventional friendship that turns into an intimate partnership.
Summing It Up…
The idea of those who choose queer platonic relationships is almost an invisible orientation. Why? Because when most people think of queer relationships in general, they do not think of friendships. And the behaviors of people in those relationships (living together, coparenting, spending a lot of time together, doing things together, showing physical affection) are so normal in our 21st century world.
Queer platonic relationships are here to stay, and they are healthy and satisfying to a large number of people, fulfilling needs that might otherwise go unfulfilled.
References are listed in the order in which they appear in the article
Fact check: List of 9 things women couldn’t do in 1971 is mostly right
Boston Marriage: Women Living Together, 1800s-1900s
‘Queer’ history: A history of Queer – The National Archives blog
The True Meaning of Platonic Love | Psychology Today
Queerplatonic Relationship: More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers
What Is Relationship Anarchy? Main Principles + How It Works
All Gender Diversity and Sexuality – Page 3 | Jessica Kingsley Publishers – USA
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