Making love for the first time: what is the right age?

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Starting sexual relationships is a significant milestone. The right age depends on individual maturity and readiness, generally recommended between 16 to 18 years, but open communication, consent, and comprehensive sexual education are key factors. Ensure both partners are emotionally prepared, understand consent, and consider parental guidance. Respect, mutual understanding, and responsibility are crucial for a healthy foundation.

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First time: mythologized, feared, desired… Making love for the first time is a set of emotions that are difficult to describe. A real constellation of sensations and feelings entirely subjective but which, often, one wishes to share with friends.

For some it can be extremely embarrassing to confide the desire and fears of the first time to someone, but for others it surprisingly seems very liberating. But when is the right time and, most importantly, how to figure it out? We talked about this with Dr. Chiara Alfano, Systemic Relational Psychologist and Psychotherapist.

Is there such a thing as the right age for the first time?

The question is among the most frequently asked, the answer, however, is not obvious. The right age to make love for the first time is entirely subjective. And it depends on a lot of factors.

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“There is no right age, each of us possesses a own time that we could call “internal”. One could speak of “right time” When one feels ready and ready to experience sexuality and one’s own body in the encounter with the other. Let us not underestimate the issue of change, central to this moment in life: the body changes rapidly and this change does not always go hand in hand with psychological and relational maturation. For the first time, one experiences ambivalent feelings, which can be frightening and confusing,” explains Dr. Alfano.

How can you tell if the time is right?

Sometimes it would take a compass for dealing with life’s crucial situations: a vademecum, a handbook, to be consulted at all ages! We tried to see if there are any questions (and answers) that can make it clear when the time is right to begin the journey of discovering sexuality.

“It is good to contextualize because, you know, the world and, along with it, some ideas and patterns change over time. Sex and relationships are experienced completely differently from the past: sexuality is increasingly perceived as a ground for experiencing oneself, not necessarily within a stable romantic relationship,” the expert explains. “Sex then begins to lose the aura of ‘seal of the love relationship'” and is increasingly configured as a dimension for receiving recognition of one’s pleasantness and effectiveness.”

“At this stage comparison with peers can also weigh heavily” continues Dr. Alfano. “The group is the dimension in which one explores one’s gender identity and shares the values that define it, but it is also the place where one is at risk of not feeling up to the task: so often I hear “my friends (or my friends) have already done it, they are behind” and that to establish the fateful “right time” they wonder “at my age should I have already done it?” or “what will others think of me?” These doubts are absolutely legitimate at such a dense phase of change, but why not also and especially try to ask yourself, “Do I like this person? Does he make me feel comfortable? Does he or she respect and value me?“”.

Fear of disappointment? It’s normal, try to understand it!

One of the greatest fears related to the first time, is undoubtedly the fear of being disappointed. From the moment itself but also from the “after.” In short, expectations are high and, often, they are also excessive.

“Although the first time is loaded with expectations, it is estimated that for almost half of women and a considerable number of men these are disappointed. As always, there are many factors that contribute to make it potentially disappointing the first time. I list at least three.

  • The first is related to what we were telling ourselves earlier: the attempt to divide sexuality from affectivity. This is not a moralism that sex without love is to be denigrated, but rather concerns the possibility of feeling comfortable and valued in the encounter with the other. The illusion of bypassing the emotional component in such a new and meaningful experience very often does not help. In short, the first time can be shared with someone other than the partner but perhaps it would help to have established with the other person a emotional and mental connection.
  • The second factor has to do with the reference models: the main source of information for the younger generation is Internet. Children, while aware of the possibility that sources may not always be reliable, look to the web for reassurance and advice to arrive “ready” for the first time and to feel less fragile. The risk, however, is that pornography provides a model of sexuality based solely on performance and void of a fundamental part that is the emotional and relational component.
  • Finally, the third factor, and perhaps the most important, is related to the meaning attributed to the first time, fantasized as an “all or nothing” moment in which we will discover whether our bodies function and are capable of giving and experiencing pleasure or not, rather than as an first step toward knowing one’s own body and one’s sexuality. One does not enter into intimacy with oneself and the other in an instant: intimacy and awareness of oneself, one’s desires and needs, and ways to satisfy them is a potentially endless journey and constantly evolving. Those who understand this do not suffer from a disappointing first time; on the contrary, they use it as a moment of learning and knowledge and succeed over time in find their own dimension and to build step by step awareness of self and other in relationship.”
  • Who can you talk to about the first time?

    Friends, parents, other adults, the web…the “sources” related to the first time are so many. Let’s get some clarity. And don’t worry if you don’t feel like talking to mom or dad about it: it’s completely normal.

    “Talking about sexuality with parents is often a source of embarrassment and there is no cause for surprise or alarm. It is also to be said that new generations of parents seem to be più receptive and attentive than previous. More attention is paid to certain aspects such as theuse of precautions and often it is parents themselves who propose solutions and provide some tips for safe sexuality. Not infrequently, parents prefer get to know their child’s partner and welcome him/her into the home even to spend the night,” explains the psychotherapist.

    “Early emotional relationships and access to sexuality represent moments of release and it is completely understandable that boys don’t feel entirely comfortable talking about it with their parents. However, there are other very valuable figures who can perform this function, primarily the school which, increasingly, offers boys and girls sex education projects through which they experience the peer-to-peer discussion led by an experienced adult” the expert concludes.

    Adult figures who can support teens in their doubts, curiosities or fears related to sexuality then include professionals from counseling centers, which offer free consultations with trained personnel who can provide information and prescriptions or perform a gynecological or andrological medical examination.

    Lee Huxley
    WRITTEN BY

    Lee Huxley

    Lee Huxley is an internationally known confidence and dating coach with nearly a decade of experience. He is the successful author of several dating and confidence books that have helped thousands of men find incredible results that they didn’t even think was possible. While traveling the world Joe consistently finds new and valuable ways to meet and attract women that men everywhere can use immediately.

    Joe has a Bachelor’s Degree in Multimedia Journalism from Bournemouth University and has been featured in many large publications including AskMen, TSB Magazine and Dumb Little Man.