Having sex with an ex is generally not recommended. It can lead to emotional confusion, renewed attachment, and hinder the healing process after a breakup. However, every situation is unique.
Consider these factors before deciding:
1. Emotional state: Are both parties over the relationship?
2. Intentions: Are expectations aligned?
3. Future plans: Will this complicate moving on?
4. Potential consequences: Can you handle possible regret or renewed feelings?
To choose without suffering:
1. Be honest with yourself about your motivations
2. Communicate openly with your ex about expectations
3. Set clear boundaries
4. Agree on the nature of the encounter (one-time or ongoing)
5. Prepare for potential emotional aftermath
If you decide to proceed:
1. Use protection
2. Respect established boundaries
3. Be prepared to end the arrangement if feelings resurface
Remember, it’s okay to decline if you’re unsure. Prioritize your emotional well-being and long-term happiness over temporary physical satisfaction.
As weak as it may seem, ending up in bed with an ex is not always a mistake. It happens out of nostalgia, because of one too many drinks, or perhaps because you simply enjoy being together, even though it has become clear that you are not meant for each other. And for those who have a harder time processing the end of an affair, sex might even make things easier, rather than more painful or complicated. This is supported by an article in the academic Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology in 2012, analyzing the experience of those who remain in the orbit of an ex even after a divorce or breakup.
When sex consoles
Giving a clean break to the relationship is not always the best solution. It is the one that looks best on paper to protect dignity and feelings, but in real life contradictions are inevitable. One above all the need to still feel close, just at the moment when one is moving away. That is why those who are having difficulty adjusting to the idea of separation might find a more gradual breakup comforting, unless they are lulled into the illusion that those moments of intimacy might convince the other person to retrace his or her steps. It is bittersweet satisfaction, but it at least allows one not to feel completely rejected.
And even if one were to regret that decision, in the long run a slip does not jeopardize the possibility of recovery. This is told by a second study, published in 2018 in Archives of Sexual Behavior, debunking the preconception that going back to bed with the ex is just a way to hurt oneself. Those who in the weeks following a breakup have a “relapse” or two do not suffer more than others, nor longer. Rather, what makes the difference is the awareness with which one goes through the experience: the important thing is not to delude oneself that sex can compensate for deeper incompatibilities.
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If some time has passed
The same considerations apply to those who meet again after some time has passed and at the same time nothing seems to have changed. If the chemistry is still very strong, it is hard to say no to the possibility of experiencing emotions and feelings that feel good. The advantages of sex with an ex with whom you have a strong sexual connection is that you can now enjoy it without friction and resentment. All the more so if you have experienced disappointments or dissatisfaction in the meantime, which makes a leap into the past all the more palatable.
This is precisely why it is better to be clear from the beginning about the expectations and implications of a night together, avoiding feeding illusions or hopes. Another aspect not to be underestimated is the power of memories, or the tendency to wear rose-colored lenses when looking back with nostalgia. It is possible that not everything will be as it is in your memories, including the sexual or emotional affinity you hope to regain.
Friends with benefits, yes or no?
As Bryan Washington writes in Promises (NN Publisher), loving a person means letting him or her change when they need to. And as happens to the novel’s protagonists, now unhappy together despite their love, this change can lead to separation. One can take different paths without it detracting from the feelings one has for each other, or accept that the relationship will be transformed by finding new balances.
For exes who remain friends, sex can be experienced lightly, perhaps even more so than before. Love does not fade completely but changes shape, keeping affection and complicity intact. This could be a beautiful compromise, as long as this friendship with benefit does not end up keeping you tied at the expense of new relationships, or become an excuse to never quite look ahead.
Revenge is not a good motive
Another thing is revenge sex, the kind you have to confirm that you have not been forgotten. The idea of getting back in bed together just to take away the satisfaction of being you ghosting the next morning is tempting, but you may be overestimating his interest. And if it happens you will feel much worse, because the only thing you will have shown is that you still care about her more than you would like to admit.
If then tempting you is the possibility of sabotaging his new relationship, know that it is a bad idea on all fronts. First of all because it could open you up to a series of complications and regrets that you can easily do without, but not only that. As difficult as it may be to accept that your or your ex is happy with someone else, if you were no longer happy there must be a reason. And it is not by interfering with his or her life that you will change things. On the contrary, what is causing you pain at the moment may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
Respect and autonomy
Finally, sex with the ex is a bad idea when there is a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings or decisions. For example, in those situations where guilt is leveraged to get more from the other person than he or she is willing to give freely, or those where you take advantage of the vulnerability of those who just can’t say no, of someone’s emotional dependence or trust.
Even if one is no longer a couple, the autonomy and dignity of the other should always be taken into consideration. That is why it is not right to demand that one’s own needs and desires be met at the expense of the other’s well-being, or to consider oneself absolved of all responsibility the moment one snatches a yes. If you have any doubt that you are not playing on a level playing field, better take a step back.
