How to tell if it's just sex or something more

How to Tell if it’s Just Sex or Something More

Emotional Investment: Genuine interest in your life, not just physical needs.
Exclusivity: Do they actively seek other partners?
Future Plans: Are they incorporating you into their future goals?
Quality Time: Spending time together beyond just intimacy.
Communication & Openness: Do they share thoughts & feelings about non-sexual matters?
Respect & Consideration: Do they consistently prioritize your wellbeing?
Consistency: Patterns of behaviour reveal intentions.

References:
https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-casual-sex
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex-relationships#what-makes-a-relationship-healthy

Source: iStock

How to tell if it’s just sex?

Everyone has his own way of relating to others, more expansive or more reserved, more material or more spiritual. And the other person’s style doesn’t necessarily have to match your expectations in every way. However, when reasonable doubt begins to set in, the romantic comedy you thought you were living in may turn into the tragic account of the seduced and abandoned heroine, ignoring the signs may be more painful than facing reality. On the other hand, engaging in the Discourse with a capital D could also ruin everything. The same dilemma arises when you are enjoying a purely sexual relationship only to realize that the other person starts putting his or her heart into it. And off you go with guilt, because there is no way to clarify the terms of the relationship without hurting him or her.

5 signs not to ignore

To be perfectly honest, when the interest is only physical the signs are usually there. Too bad the person who is falling in love is not always willing to notice them. Maybe you suspect it, but you’re still hoping you were wrong or that you can show a side of you that catches his attention. Or you’re the one putting off the moment when you have to tell him that yes, sex is beautiful, but you’re not so sure you’re compatible outside of bed.

Whatever your role-whether that of someone who has butterflies in his stomach or that of someone who is just fine-try asking yourself if:

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Only appearance matters. Being desired is always a pleasure, but if he (or she) is more attentive to how you look than to your opinions or personality, it is likely that his interest begins and ends there. Conversely, if imagining describing him to your friends brings to mind only his outward qualities, perhaps the rest didn’t strike you as much.

Your conversations are always superficial. Discomfiting communication theory for a moment, Knapp’s model can be helpful in understanding whether your relationship is moving forward. The next step after meeting should be exploration, the time when you probe the terrain to see how much is has in common with the other person. If he or she doesn’t seem interested in wanting to get to know you better, to understand what your likes and fears are, to remember whether you are an only child or the third of four sisters, that’s not a good sign. Ditto if you never feel like getting to know his or her point of view, but half-listen to everything he or she tells you.

You always reason in the singular. He tells you about his plans for the weekend or Christmas break assuming you won’t see each other, or maybe mentions a movie that is coming out but doesn’t ask you to see it together. If he writes you first it is usually eleven o’clock on a Tuesday night, perhaps to ask if he can come over to your place to sleep. Perhaps as a lover he is generous, but otherwise he is focused only on his own needs. If you never move from the “I” to the “we,” perhaps it is not love. In reverse, it’s when you realize you don’t feel like hearing from him except when you have unchaste thoughts. And friends would still take precedence.

Each exit is a strategic distance from a flat surface. If you always see each other at her house or yours, or at most to go for a drive while keeping open the possibility of finding a quiet little place, it’s the hour of truth. Ask yourself if it has never occurred to you to do anything else because you are too into each other or because you have nothing in common. If you would like to see each other in different situations where you are unlikely to end up in bed together, try pitching a proposal. If you suddenly remember that you have a commitment that day, it is indicative.

Private life remains private. Do you have friends, family, colleagues? You don’t really know, because you have never talked about it. Or you are the one who has never thought to introduce him to anyone, so when you see each other it is to be alone. True, not all relationships end up extending to each other’s social circles, but too much reticence can be suspicious.

The unknown of situationship

The most confusing situation is when you are dating even with your clothes on. You went to lunch together, to a movie, to a concert. You’re not together, though, and it’s not a friendship relationship with benefits, otherwise you would know. After all, friends get in touch more often, not just to see each other on 48 hours’ notice or less. In short, yours is another middle ground that leaves you wondering whether to seek confrontation or go with the flow and have fun, without torturing yourself with too many questions.

It is the no man’s land of situationship, the relationships that elude all attempts at definition. Except that basically they all look alike: you never talk about feelings, you don’t take pictures together, you don’t make long-term plans, when you’re together it’s all very intense but then it’s as if the other ceases to exist the minute you separate to go back to your lives. If one of you is more involved, this ambiguity can be painful. Better to have an honest conversation about the expectations you have for your relationship.

Face the truth

Some rom-coms age better than others. He’s Just Not That Into You (2009), rechristened in Italy with the equally blunt La verità è che non gli piaci abbastanza, is hardly what you’d call an immortal classic. Yet beyond the sexist stereotypes that turn noses up today it at least has the merit of getting the title right. If you feel like you are the only one making yourself available, devoting time and energy to a relationship that is going nowhere, maybe he or she likes you less than you like him or her.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a sex-only relationship, but the boundaries need to be clear. If you don’t feel like being a filler for moments of boredom or loneliness, it’s okay to ask for more. At least if the other person is not interested in a more serious relationship you will know and you can freely decide whether to continue dating or not.